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and the art of rewiring
I am writing this after I was approximately 95% finished with the first iteration to which I fat-fingered something (no clue) that caused a “select all” function and then resulted in a full deletion I was not able to recover.
The irony is that the original version of this particular post began with me calling myself out for starting an update halfway through February, an apology for my absence, followed by sitting at my computer half paralytic come March with the same intention only to get up and walk away and proceed to side-eye said computer until today. The same day that I did the task I had been wanting to accomplish but avoiding (thank you ADHD) and somehow managed to delete.
If this is not the most on-brand aside for the tone of the year thus far, I don’t know what is. Listen, writing is just like anything else, and if we don’t flex it often, we lose it. I have lost a bit of it and so in an effort to be kind to myself while I get back to flexing, I have comprised a bulleted list, a timeline-ish if you will, of what the year has looked like up until now.
Legislative session in Colorado begins. I have no clue what this means outside of the technical definition at this point but very quickly I learn.
I am roughly 6 weeks into campaigning and politic’ing for the first time in my life. Every day I wake up very grateful for our resident policy/political expert that lives in this house and I start most sentences with, “I know how busy you are but…” Bless that man.
I get on the ballot!
We find and rent a very cute house just ten minutes north of the apartment I moved into when I left my ex-husband, all within 6 hours.
I do a lot of tired and uncomfortable crying. Putting myself in spaces related to campaigning makes me stretch and shift in ways I didn’t know I could.
I participate in my first ever debate! It is televised live and while I sweat a lot, I don’t barf and I feel extremely proud.
We move into our very cute little house! I still don’t fully understand how we managed this, but we did.
Anaya starts working more 14-16 hour days and still looks gorgeous in the morning.
I attend more forums, luncheons, meetings, town halls, and events at places and spaces that were never intended for folx like me. I am tired, cellularly tired, but I continue to feel proud.
The kids are sick all of February, what’s new, now until forever.
March is identical to February except there are even more long nights for Anaya, more debates for me, one kid has pink eye, the other kid is fevered for several days on end, we are no longer technically moving but I am building furniture I have no business building, we hang art, we are Two Ships In The Night people (thanks, I/we hate it), we are tired, we are in love, we feel like shells of ourselves, but we carry on.
Highlights include a trip to Toledo for a wedding, meeting some of Anaya’s family for the first time, celebrating our anniversary, and keeping ourselves and two kids alive.
Election Day! I am not elected as the councilwoman for District 1. This was something I was very prepared for as I filed very late in the game, we ran a campaign on less than $2000, and while the incumbent isn’t great, she isn’t hated by her constituents. I absolutely feel proud of what we were able to accomplish, the spaces I inserted myself in to be an advocate for those that need it most, the minds we changed, the fact that 20% of my district took a chance on me, and everything I learned. I am endlessly grateful for everyone that donated their time, energy, money, support and brainpower to get us to where we ended up.
Anaya gives me the engagement ring he designed for me on Election Night. We are in the kitchen at 10:00 pm with one of our friends. I have just taken my makeup off, I am flipping tortillas with my fingers in preparation to feed the three of us tacos, Anaya tells me to stop what I’m doing so he can tell me something, naturally I panic and think something is wrong, I turn around and he is on one knee… The rest is history.
We have an engagement/housewarming party! Some of our favorite people, one of which is officiating our wedding next March, flies in from LA with her partner to stay with us for the weekend. There are 40+ people in our house, so much champagne, food, music, laughs, community, family, trash tv, hangovers, and love in general. We are exhausted but feel so loved and seen.
We take the kids to the zoo! Maddox is overtired and overstimulated and it sucks so bad! Yay parenting is fun 100% of the time!
We do a fantastic amount of yard work! Anaya builds garden beds! I mulch the yard and plant things and start seeds! Anaya is working even more! Everyone is hanging on for dear life but we’re (barely) alive!
I am weight lifting again! Maddox did a number on my insides during labor, and I haven’t lifted consistently since. It feels good to get strong and sweat again.
And here we are, May Day (no pun intended although it did make me LOL), still here, still tired, still disoriented, but still hanging on.
Session will be over in ONE week, the school year is beginning to wrap up, somehow Maddox is almost 3, we have planned 70% of our wedding already and through it all, I feel better than I ever have in so many ways.
There will be more fluid, creative, and specific writing to come. Part of what I have done the last year is Sit In It, all the way. The good, the hard, the bad, the uncomfortable, all of it. I am realizing and processing for the first time that there hasn’t been a whole lot of “what now” moments in my life. What do I want to make or read, what do I want to write about, what do I want to do? I have spent the majority of my life just going and doing, mostly out of necessity, rarely out of unabashed joy, and the older I get the more held and supported I am, I am letting myself Sit In the allowance of rewriting, rewiring my belief systems, and editing the stories I have told myself. I know how lucky I am to be in a position of What Now without having to panic. Does that mean I am done panicking? I’m not so sure that will ever go away entirely, but I do know that for now I am okay with the fluidity. I have my markets with offbeat Market and event planning for some folx here in Denver that I love and love working with. I have my writing, my love, these kids, this cute little house that Moonoie has nicknamed The Honey House on account of its yellow siding. I have some time to breathe, to support Anaya while he quite literally changes the world, and to keep it moving. I have begun to feel less panic about not having all the words or plans in the moment. To allow for more magic in knowing that NOTHING is ever going to actually “settle” in the ways that my overactive brain would love. That something will always be in flux, but for now I am reveling in the wind-down, albeit temporary, until the next season rolls in.
Currently Listening To: Van Morrison’s Into the Mystic
Currently Reading: I Will Take the Answers by Ander Monson
Currently Making: An absolute nonsense but delightful meal haphazardly thrown together courtesy of H Mart, shopping while hungry and exhausted humans.
Recently Published: You just read it xx