Butternut Squash Pasta Bake

and fluidity in gender identity and in food

I attend a workshop for (poetry) writers every friday and you can learn about it here-

Anyways, we were discussing symbolism and as our “ice breaker” which really isn’t one at all, you can participate out loud or simply jot it down for yourself, it really is low impact, the question was “what is something that feels symbolic to you lately.”

Naturally, mine was and always is, “water.”

As a double Cancer, the mother of a Cancer, where we regulate ourselves, care for ourselves and engage with each other and ourselves. The fluidity of water and that’s how I’ve been feeling.

Fluid.

Discussions of gender, identity, gender identity, are happening with some regularity around here at any given time. With our friends, kids, and one another, I’ve been exploring and peeling back thoughts of my own gender identity for years now, always feeling like a woman, knowing that I unsubscribed from what society views as “womanly”, and mostly conjuring up whatever mish-mash, high-femme (most days), yes-I-love-being-a-woman-but-it’s-different-from-what-you-think, femme-daddy feeling-in-my-heart and aesthetic, and coming to the table with whatever this is. That being said, I’ve started pushing myself even out and through there, beginning to question what makes me feel like a woman, what is it that makes me a woman, and so I made a list and it is as follows-

Giving birth

My breasts

My pussy

The softness of my body

The curves of my body

My hips

Joy from being a mother, a caretaker, a healer

On paper, these make me “womanly” or a mother, sure. But if I am pushing back on gender roles, conforming, and societal views…

Isn’t this all a little too nice-neat-little-box?

Because what about the protector parts of me? The provider parts? The don’t-worry-I’ll-do-it parts? Aren’t those things generally viewed as male/masculine traits?

And if I am going to keep pushing back, telling my son to wear a dress if he wants to and if it feels good, telling Scarlett that there’s nothing “boy” about certain toys or games… on a basic level, don’t I have to do this for myself?

If it’s my anatomy that I love, don’t I know that boys have pussies too? Or that men I know and love are just as soft as I am, physically and emotionally? So what am I?

With the unfortunate exception to Western culture, the idea of gender binaries being split only into two, male and female depending on the sex you are born, is actually not the norm. In fact, it is considered sacred to be on a spectrum of binary, those that are a duality of both being some of the most revered. They are the healers, doulas, and shamans. When I had a more intentional conversation with Anaya, my partner/fiance that is a trans man, about dissecting what it is I feel, it goes beyond what I feel vs gender expression, which is wholly different from one’s gender identity.

The verdict? I feel it all.

I am as protective as I am nurturing. I enjoy laborious work in all the ways that I want to feel taken care of. My desire to provide for my family shows up in more “womanly” roles, but the sentiment remains the same. Gender, to me, to us, is a spectrum, and I feel it all.

I think in all the ways I feel fluid, it is important to note that this is how I feel, not the right way to feel. When discussing gender/identity, even while considering all of one’s options, I think it’s important to note the trans experience. That you can be a woman, you can be a man, you can feel either or neither to your very core and you can still divest from Western ideals of what makes someone’s gender. Anaya is very much a man, and he is also soft, nurturing, and attuned.

If I know, if we raise our kids to know, that gender-roles are garbage, that men can be birthers, that they can chestfeed, that they can express their gender through femme fashion if they choose, and yet they are still a man, what does tethering certain things to my own ideals and experience say about me? If the markers I’ve created for myself that make me a “woman” solely rely on my ability to be a mother but I feel beyond, am I a woman? I allow my questions and contemplation to swim around in the places of me where babies once lived. The space I have attached parts of my (gender) identity to.

I feel more. A unique combination of nothing and everything. A person that so loves existing in duality, in fluidity, that still doesn’t necessarily have a name for it (I’m still working through whether or not “non-binary” is affirming) and that in itself is affirming for now. I am a mother, a lover, a partner, a friend, a healer, a birther, an abolitionist, a baker, a gardener, a writer, an artist, a reader, a learner. It goes beyond being a woman and I like the fit of that. I believe these feelings and conversations will be ongoing, fluid if you will, an evolution. Because of this I would like to continue the discussion with any of you that feel compelled to participate via questions and/or stories of your own. You’re welcome to leave comments, perhaps we can make this a bit of a series, and if you would prefer more privacy you can reach out to me via socials and/or my email which is truckeyava at gmail dot come.

Speaking of duality, and onto the portion that some of you may have skipped to and that’s a-ok with me, the butternut squash fell-in-love-with-pastitsio-some-ground-chicken-fell-in-there-so-Maddox-might-eat-meat magical dish that is whatever this is-

I have had pastitsio on the brain and Anaya requested “some kind of squash pasta for dinner” and this was the end result. I have done my best to get down my memory into a loose recipe, let me know if you make this hybrid of several things, appropriate for my current feelings.

Butternut Squash Pasta Situation

1 lb rigatoni, cooked in salted water, just to al dente

1 lb ground chicken

1 big butternut squash, peeled, seeded and diced

1 medium yellow onion, quartered

6 cloves of garlic, peeled

1 shallot, minced

6 oz gruyere, cubed

1 cup-ish of milk (don’t use oat, you’ll be able to taste it, don’t worry I tried a million years ago and was sorry for it)

a handful of mozzarella, grated

a few sprigs of fresh thyme

a few leaves of fresh sage, chopped

3 slices of prosciutto, if you feel like it

salt

pepper

olive oil

red pepper flakes

Preheat oven to 425

Cook pasta according to package instructions in salted water. Drain just as it becomes al dente, reserving about 2 cups of pasta water, set aside.

Lightly grease the inside of a springform pan. Place noodles standing up, working your way in a spiral. I used every noodle with the exception of two that I ate.

Generously drizzle a sheet pan with olive oil, add the squash, onion, garlic, thyme sprigs, season with salt and pepper, sprinkle a bit of red pepper flakes, drizzle again with more olive oil, roast for about 25 minutes, until the squash begins to caramelize and is quite soft. Pull from the oven, set aside

Drizzle a saute pan with olive oil, set on medium-high heat, add the sage and shallot, a sprinkle of red pepper flake, salt and pepper, cook until the shallot is soft, add the ground chicken. Break apart the meat with the back of a spatula or wooden spoon and allow it to cook on one side, undisturbed. The idea is to let it brown and get some texture, not effectively steam your ground meat (this is how I feel about ground meat always), season with salt, pepper, garlic powder and a little dried thyme if you have it. Once it’s fully cooked, remove from the heat and set aside.

Take the contents of the sheet pan, removing the leaves from the thyme sprigs, and either use an immersion blender or blender/food processor to puree, pouring in a bit of the pasta water to make pureeing easier. Add about a cup of milk and the gruyere, as well as any additional pasta water needed in order to have the consistency of a thick soup. Add into the pan with the ground chicken, stir to combine.

Pour the meat/squash puree over the noodles, intermittently (gently) banging the pan on the counter to coax all of the sauce into each hole and crevice. I did end up with just a tad bit leftover, and it was FULL, so live on the edge but don’t create a mess that you’ll undoubtedly regret making later. Sprinkle some grated mozzarella on top and set some slices of prosciutto down if that’s your thing. Bake uncovered for about 30 minutes, let cool for 10 minutes before removing the form and serving.

Tada!

Thank you for supporting me and seeing me so well.

Biggest love,

AT

Currently Listening To:I just finished the audiobook of Falling Back in Love with Being Human by Kai Cheng Thom and I cannot recommend it more

Currently Reading: There’s too many to name by I am particularly enjoying Poetry as Spellcasting by Lisbeth White, Tamiko Beyer, Destiny Hemphill

Currently Cooking: I ate a Crunchwrap supreme for lunch and I don’t want to cook tonight (the kids aren’t home this week), there, I said it.

Recently Published: I was recently a guest on one of my favorite podcasts, Processing, and you can listen to my episode here