In The Kitchen
November/intuitive eating (with nuance!) edition
I began this prior to the election results and here is what I will say-
More than ever we need progressives that are more concerned with building with other progressives without having the Do It Perfect Olympics. Curiosity and critique are valuable and necessary to change but if we’re more concerned with superiority and having all the answers we’re going to continue fucking ourselves. Where this line gets blurred, where I have less patience, is for the white mods and even progressives that are still flailing and pearl clutching and acting as though they have no idea how we got here- this is tired and this is harmful to those that have long since been impacted by white supremacy and colonization long before this election cycle.
Trump isn’t a monolith.
The world isn’t the state it’s in because of him- his presence in politics and otherwise has been one of thousands of examples already on display that removed the already-flimsy veil that hardly covered the actuality of the United States+. We’re never going to fix what isn’t broken. If you think I’m joking when I say things like *uprising*…
and that’s all I’ll say about that.
Here’s what was originally on my mind and is still relevant because the nature of it contributes to what makes the USA absolutely sick with anti-Blackness and capitalism.
A note on intuitive eating: intuitive eating requires access, period. You cannot simply say just buy all your favorite things and keep them around all the time because not all people have access to these things. Those that are getting the bulk of their food from community fridges or food pantries do not have the luxury of stocking pints on pints of their favorite gelato from the place down the street. This is also one of the reasons why understanding access, privilege, things like eugenics, how fatphobia is rooted in colonization and anti-Blackness and on and on is a critical, and often left behind, principal to understanding. This is why it is imperative for those of us with more privilege to shoulder the brunt in order to make things more accessible, to have a better understanding of how we got here in the first place, and how to make it less common for the next generations. One cannot simply say listen to your body and everything will be fine, we cannot toxic-positivity our way out of this. Please, if you’re just beginning to get into this work, this critical work, you cannot cherry pick your participation. Like most things- nuance is required.
One thing about intuitive eating, especially after you do it for quite awhile (not everyone was supported in this as kids- most of us were not) is that is does actually become intuitive which is wild. It’s almost like science is in fact real. I have gone back and forth on what I wanted this first-of-the-month newsletter to look like (the first week of the month is usually dedicated to things happening in my kitchen whether that’s an ingredient I’m hyper-fixated on, a meal, or what’s in season) and I’ve landed here- digging into and holding space for people to unpack their disordered eating, flail a bit, and maybe check themselves when speaking to/around impressionable people (literally everyone but especially kids and teens) because it is this time of year that I read and hear and see The Flailing transpire the most given the holiday season.
It’s also pressing on me more so these days with having to advocate for our eldest that exists in a bigger body than most of her peers which admittedly triggers the fuck out of me because it makes me S A D- sad to know what she faces outside of our home because people continue to raise fuckhead people instead of doing this work. It has the capacity to make me slip back into diet-culture and honestly just exhausts me anymore. I am so tired. I was raised to hate fat people and fat bodies. I was told on repeat for the majority of my life that I was beautiful but would be more so if I just lost some weight. I have loathed my fat body so much at one point I changed my entire life and career to dedicate to Not Being Fat etc
My point is- I grew up like the rest of so many people I know.
All of the fat tropes. The fat dad with the hot mom on tv. Food scarcity and insecurity. That fat people were unhealthy and lazy. That fat people should really just be more worried about how healthy they are. That being fat was a moral issue. That I wasn’t sexy because I was fat. That I was addicted to food. That I was addicted to sugar. That if I restricted just a little better I wouldn’t want any of these things.
And on and on and on.
It’s now been more than 6 years since I literally walked away from my diet-centric career and diet-culture as a whole. I still remember publicly flailing via writing in a question for an anti-diet podcaster (who shall not be named but that got real fucking weird during the pandemic) that basically said, “but if I gain weight it will be harder to tie my shoes or lace my boots.”
…
Plot twist: I can do both with ease, thank you very much.
When I say I can relate to you it’s because I can with a capital R.
Similarly to the carceral system, our “democracy”, the real story of Thanksgiving, who Christopher Columbus actually was, the fact that white people are inherently racist, and on and on and on the idea of intuitive eating had to not only be learned but the bigger issue was that I had to UNlearn all of these beliefs that had been packed into my skull by family and media and doctors and teachers and neighbors and music.
Fatphobia requires an unpacking, destigmatizing, and reckoning and I understand that it’s messy but it’s necessary. I have been shamed by an uncle for eating nachos at the drag races when I was 12- complete with oinking noises while my cousin and I silently dipped our chips into fluorescent cheese while tears rolled down our cheeks. I have had mother-figures measure out my juice, my macaroni and cheese, my olives because she didn’t want me getting fatter. My aunt told me that if she ever won the lottery she would pay for plastic surgery for me when I was 15. I have been told by my bosses boss to “cover up my arms because nobody wants to see that.”
and here’s the thing-
even if I can look at those instances and have my hair completely blown back and my first reaction (now) to be what the fuck and who speaks to anyone, let alone a child, this way?
I’m not mad.
I’m too tired to be mad. They didn’t unlearn. They didn’t do their unlearning and as a result people suffered and I did not want to inflict the same pain on my own family, on my own kids, on my own friends so I made the conscious decision to unlearn and dig around at the actual truth instead of what medical professionals and parents and that fucking gym teacher in 4th grade told me, and realize that just like “Thanksgiving” these people were not telling the truth and instead regurgitating not only wildly outdated methods and data but measures and metrics that didn’t even make sense two hundred years ago so why the fuck are we still doing it now?
I mean, truly. When you take the time to read (please do) the debunking of things like-
food addiction
sugar addiction
The BMI index
Especially the BMI index- maybe you’ll be like me and think there’s literally no way that medical professionals in the year 2024 are operating from this space because it’s actually bananas? It didn’t make a lick of sense then and I would sure like to think that we’ve come a teeny tiny bit further since then? I mean, it’s embarrassing actually and I’m no doctor but it’s so B A D that there’s no way we’re still towing this line and yet.
Until you decide to jump feet first into unlearning all the things you were led to believe here are some of my places to start and decidedly I’m not doing the educating part here because you can and should find, learn from, and pay people, especially BIPOC women and femmes that do this for a living. Here are just a couple people that can get you started.
You can also simply Google anti-diet resources and you will find plenty.
Here’s what we’ve been eating-
This farro and roasted vegetable bowl. I roasted delicata squash, broccoli, brussels sprouts and chickpeas roasted in olive oil and seasoned with salt and pepper on most- smoked paprika and za’atar on the chickpeas, and served in on top of farro which is my current obsession (again), a very lemony-garlicky dressing I made, and topped it with a bunch of red cabbage and fresh herbs and it was everything I ever needed, amen.
I love a salad main or anything that could be classified as such as shown here and here.
These brown sugar sesame + miso caramel cookies that are chewy, lacy, nutty, and the perfect split of sweet and salty. You don’t have to chill this dough (spoiler alert- I use this cookie dough base for a lot of the cookies I make and you can too *minus the sesame oil) but like with most things it is better the next day. The texture is as well but if you’re impatient I see you there because same.
Makes: a bunch of cookies
want bigger/less cookies? Go for it- just adjust the bake time
226 grams unsalted butter/2 sticks/8 oz, softened
100 grams white sugar
150 grams dark brown sugar (or light, I just always have dark)
1/2 Tbsp vanilla
2 large eggs
1 tsp toasted sesame oil
300 grams all purpose flour
5 grams baking soda
5 grams baking powder
5 grams salt
pinch of cinnamon (it’s okay- you don’t have to stress about it. a pinch, a dash, a sprinkle)
Black and/or white sesame seeds
Sanding/coarse sugar
Miso-Caramel
2 Tbsp butter, softened
2-3 Tbsp white miso
4 Tbsp brown sugar
(add everything to a small bowl, stir to combine and set aside)
For the cookies-
Cream the butter with both sugars until light and fluffy
In a separate bowl (if you want? I have a stand mixer for the first time in my life and I have to admit- I don’t always premix. Alert the authorities *don’t, because ACAB) combine flour-cinnamon
Add an egg to the sugar/butter mixture, combine well, add the other egg
Add the vanilla and sesame oil
Add the dry ingredients and mix just until everything comes together and you don’t have dry pockets
Let it hang in the fridge for a couple hours or overnight
When you’re ready to bake preheat the oven to 350
Place the rack in the middle of the oven
Line a couple sheet pans with parchment
Pour some sanding sugar into a small bowl
Pour some sesame seeds in a small bowl
Get the dough and form small-ish balls (do not come for me with my lack of You Must’s and They Have To Be’s. Make them whatever size you want. I did these smaller than usual, about 1.5 Tbsp which is the typical size for most cookies)
Roll them in the sanding sugar
Roll them in the sesame seeds
Put them on the sheet pan (I only did 6 at a time)
Using the back of a smaller sized spoon (I have kids! I have tiny spoons!) scoop up a bit of the miso caramel- about 1 tsp, and drag it along the top of each ball, it doesn’t have to be pretty and you can experiment with adding a bit more or less
Bake for 8-10 minutes, rotating the pan once if you need to for even baking. They should be golden on the edges and still look pretty soft in the center if you want chewy and softer cookies. You don’t like that? Bake them for 2-4 minutes longer but keep an eye on them.
Give the pan a bang on the stove top when you pull them out (it looks pretty when they cool and I like pretty things)
Leave them on the pan if you pulled them at the 8-10 min mark for 3 minutes before transferring them to a wire rack
Tada
Be good to yourself and each other. Like Alok Vaid-Menon says-
I love you. I need you.
AR