Lessons in 38

and a kinda-recipe for a very nice cake

The day I turn thirty-eight I go for a long walk, come home and bake myself a birthday cake— buttermilk base, nectarine compote, raspberries & cream whipped mascarpone and then I smoke a little pot and ritual cleanse our home and my body and cry and say thank you out loud to anyone who will listen, anyone who is listening and I know they are and when I finish I begin again thank you thank you thank you because I know that everything I prayed for is already here or already coming because in another universe I’m already there waiting on me and I didn’t think I would make it this long and this far but I have and that makes me contemplative like what’s been worth it and what’s been true like hold on if you can and I know sometimes we can’t but if you do the earth pulls you down to itself and that’s one thing wanting you here and one reason to stay and I think about what I have learned in my long and short time here like point the finger but only if you’re willing to hang yourself with it and don’t forget that what you like the least in someone is an indicator of what you don’t like in you but not always and critical thinking is required like nothing great rarely happens after more than two drinks and rarely after 10 pm and there’s exceptions to most rules so have another drink and stay up until midnight to look at the moon and contend with the fact that there’s no ethical consumption under capitalism and I know you’ve got to know where to stand with your feet digging into the ground and I also know where to put your feet up and let the rest swim underneath you like water and you should really be in it, all the time if you can in some kind of way in it or drinking it or singing to it or praying for it because I’ve never had a water I didn’t like and that’s not true but you get the point and the same goes for a walk, like if more of us treated ourselves like plants we would all benefit from breathing even if it’s short and sucking-in like when food is too hot and breathing out of our lips like a horse and I know from experience because I labored for several hours that way and it helped, try it some time the next time it hurts too bad like when you’re not sure if anyone is coming for you not even the people that got you here and I can tell you what helps is looking at them objectively, not mine or yours but just themselves just people and some of these people could really do a better job and some of these people fucked us up real good but they are just people after all not possessions and oh my god possessions about a year ago I got targeted for a swimsuit, an expensive-to-me one I might add, and I already have a swimsuit but I did love that one and the last swimsuit I bought was from a thrift store with the tags still on but I told Anaya and he got it for me for my birthday and I love him for it but//and all this stuff it’s too much stuff and I really do love a purge like when you clean the literal corners of the room, and you should do that more often, get into the actual corners and I tell the kids you’re not just cleaning your room, you’re cleaning the spirit of the room and therefore the spirit of you and they might drag their feet initially but it’s easier to care about something when it involves another life at least I think so, I hope so, like you should strip it down and while you’re there you should strip down yourself and let it be the way it was when you arrived just naked, bare ass naked for no reason at all other than to let the light shine on the parts that rarely see it because you deserve it all and I think we’ve got to be better at sharing it all like a meal a book an idea a secret a cup of sugar and don’t you know you’ve got to check in with yourself before you do, ask yourself why you’re doing something because I think we’ve got to be better at sharing but I also think we’ve got to be clear with ourselves and ask, am I doing this simply because I want to or am I doing this because I want something in return, and it’s okay if it’s the latter but you have to be honest so as not to burn up your own heart because your heart matters so listen to it and form a relationship with it because if you have a relationship with your heart you have a better chance of having a relationship with your gut and there’s no greater love than the one you find at your very root because you are already everything you need and if you can trust yourself it’s easier to decide who else you can trust and remember that the next time you’re with someone that can’t talk about anything other than someone else because I love a bit of gossip as much as the next but what comes after and if all you’ve got is the dirt on others, well I don’t know that that’s the good kind of dirt like the half moons under your fingernails after you’ve planted something, anything, inside a plastic cup or the bottom of an old milk carton with the top cut off— didn’t you know you can plant a seed and grow something in just about anything and I mean anything because it’s hard to hate it here all the time when you’re reason enough the world keeps growing because you are and now this thing you’ve planted is too and sometimes the things you plant are going to die, can you imagine how sad that is and I know you can because you’ve watched as that plant or pet or relationship or embryo or parent or or or and and and not make it as long as you wanted it to and loss is a great big swell of pain but I still think you should try, try it on and let your heart break a little all the time because I hate the saying what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger but maybe there’s some truth in that, maybe we all can be fused a bit tighter together sort of like how you’re born with more than three hundred bones and then when you’re fully actualized as an adult and your brain is fully formed you only end up with two hundred and six because you’ve literally collided with the inside of yourself, isn’t that wild, and I think about that all the time like how my kids will never know the hurt and the loss and the lack and then I’m like damn, I want you to be soft but are you going to know reality like don’t you have to break a little to fuse a little and they do, I know they do, in their own way and watching what we all watch every day, but it’s different and it’s at least not all by my hands and for me that’s enough and you’ve got to decide what’s going to be enough or too much but I don’t think you are, I think you’re exactly the right amount and so am I and mostly after thirty-eight I’m just so, so happy to be here and I mean that.

Currently Eating: last night I marinated some chicken thighs in orange and lemon juice, a bit of olive oil, garlic, cumin and smoked paprika before grilling them. I also prepared a beet and orange salad by roasting some beets I harvested from our garden at 425 for 50 min and slicing the orange segments away from the membrane (this is called supreme), laid them down in a pasta bowl, drizzled with a bit of olive oil, sprinkled some pickled shallots I always have on hand with a bit of the vinegar from the shallots, some feta, fresh parsley, and chopped lemon-peel stuffed olives. I served everything with a little harissa yogurt by adding a little harissa paste to plain greek yogurt, lemon, and a slug of olive oil and salt & pepper and then perked up some leftover white rice by warming it up in a pan that already had a bit of sizzling olive oil, garlic and thinly sliced shallot and once everything was heated through I stirred in some lemon zest, lemon juice, freshly chopped dill and salt and pepper. 10/10

Currently Reading: I just finished On Sundays She Picked Flowers by Yah-Yah Scholfield and my god. Can’t recommend more and I will be thinking about this book for a long time to come

Currently Listening To: the album Sings Love by Sonya Spence

Currently Smell Like: Mulberry Fig by Floris

I’ve been in the kitchen more and yapping with my kids more in a way you can really only yap with them as they get older which is striking because somehow, in less than a month, I will have been parenting for a decade. I’ve been learning the land more and tending to plants I never knew existed. Anaya recently gave me the green light to turn our not huge but still sizable rented front yard into garden beds and I started herbalism school at the beginning of June this year— excavating deeper into a knowledge I already had, one given to me by my mother and my ancestors, and there’s no place I’d rather be. I am learning so much and affirming what I already knew and I know that this is what I’m meant to turn toward. I’m thinking of writing the fiction stories I have in my head for the first time in my life, about the writing workshops tethered to specific herbs I eventually want to facilitate, and the autumn dinner party I want to throw. I’m thinking about all the things I want to share with y’all, the recipes I want to get out of my head, and the herbal medicines I want to give to you. The kids will go back to school soon and our worlds will erupt again and there will be another crisis that happens and then legislative session will begin again. What I’m trying to say is that there’s always something. What I’m trying to say is that I’m still here. What I’m trying to say is that I’m really just getting started and I would like very much if you stayed here with me. But if you’re going to go, at least make this cake first.

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Buttermilk Cake with Nectarine Compote, Raspberries & Cream Whipped Mascarpone and Oat Streusel

Make this buttermilk cake by the queen herself, Edna Lewis, which can be found in her book The Taste of Country Cooking and is also featured on this site for easy access. Let it cool completely before turning it out onto a plate.

While your cake is cooling, take a few— yes, a few. Maybe three fat nectarines or peaches or plums or some of those hybird plum-apricots or whatever, seriously, stone fruit. Cut them into bite sized pieces. Put them in a small saucepan with a couple Tbsp of honey or brown sugar or maple syrup or regular ol’ white sugar, a hearty pinch of cinnamon for warmth, a couple squeezes of lemon juice, and cook down on medium low heat just until the fruit begins to break down. Take it off the heat and allow it to cool completely.

Next, do the streusel, or don’t! I understand there’s a whole lot going on with this cake but it was my birthday cake after all and this is exactly as I wanted it. You can easily skip this part and if we’re being honest, it’s granola basically, okay? Granola with a little extra butter and a little extra sugar. I didn’t measure not a damn thing this day but I think either this one is an acceptable option. Let it cool before you put it on anything. Pro Tip: add a little extra salt to your streusels, granolas, etc

While all these things are cooling down, you should too. It is the seventh circle of hell outside and the stove and the oven are both on? Please be serious. Take a few slices of a cucumber and some lemon balm and some mint and muddle them all together with a pinch of sugar and then pour some kind of bubbly water on it. Don’t have cucumbers? Who cares! Don’t have fresh lemon balm or mint but you have some tea? Make a tea! 1 Tbsp loose leaf per cup, steep for ten minutes, and then whack it in the freezer while you get an ice cube(s) to rub all over your face and neck and when that’s cooled down enough you can pour it over ice. Pro tip: grow lemon balm and mint. In a tin can, in a cup you don’t use anymore, in your Memaw’s tea cup she gave you. Really, they’re great and very sweet to have around.

Now that you have very briefly cooled down for .5 seconds and you no longer have to turn the oven or stove on, it’s time for the whipped things. Don’t have mascarpone? Don’t use it! Truthfully, I just had some languishing in the back of the fridge that needed to be used up so while I was making whipped cream I added a couple Tbsp to that. I also took a big handful of raspberries in a separate bowl, sprinkled them with just a bit of sugar and a generous squeeze of lemon juice to macerate them a bit (get the juices flowing) before I put that in at the very end with the whipped cream. I also added just a bit, maybe a Tbsp or two of powdered sugar (I don’t like very sweet desserts and this is no exception. If you want a super sweet frosting-type topping you’re going to want to add a lot more) and a little vanilla bean paste and tada!

I frosted it, I topped it with the streusel, and then because I am very much a Cancer, I topped it with some chamomile blossoms straight from the garden because I could, I can and I will.

Thanks for hanging out with me,

AR