I am buzzing with a million thoughts.
Today is Monday which means it is transition day for the kids and for us. It is when we blend and bend back into another world. One of more structure and routine. One with less dinners of frozen taquitos and more of what we call, “growing food.”
There are packed lunches and snacks. Pick up//drop off, homework, dance, dinners, assessing of the weather to see if we can squeeze in some park time after everyone has been collected. There’s schedule comparing, delegating, the folding of tiny socks, hair washing…
You get it.
On days like these I have to pull my ADHD in instead of push against it.
I am late-blooming in a lot of ways, and one of those is a later-in-life ADHD diagnosis. It was after I had seen my therapist for a year-and-a-half and me banging my head on the wall over the same things that she finally asked if I had ever been evaluated. I had some suspicions in the past before she mentioned anything but had never had the resources or energy (or executive function, duh) to do anything about it. I was AFAB (assigned female at birth) which means childhood diagnoses are far and few between. I am a producer of things, heavily tie my worth to my accomplishments, and a perfectionist. This doesn’t often lead folx to think that some people like me may actually be struggling, because *capitalism* so…
Ironically, my mother was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and that still didn’t make me curious sooner about seeking out my own evaluation. Like so many people I thought ADD/ADHD was all high-energy, can’t sit still, aggressive behavior etc
I didn’t realize I had, or would, ever fit into a box so nice and neatly.
I understand there’s a lot of folx that are like, “why does everyone have ADHD (or autism, for that matter) now?!” I won’t provide all the medical answers but I don’t think it’s a mystery that we have so many late-in-life bloomers, so many AFAB folx. The patriarchy is alive and (un)well.
I also understand that ADHD has become memes and tropes. Here’s the thing- when you finally get answers to things that have felt as though they have been swallowing you whole for no apparent reason, it changes the trajectory of everything. Medicated or not, having a source or some sort of factor softens the edges. It provides insight that so many of us needed and couldn’t put our fingers on, only heightening the feelings of exhaustion, frustration, and confusion. If you hear me or somebody else mentioning their ADHD or any other neurodivergent *thing* give them some room. I spent years quite literally kicking my own shit in over my inability to use the mother fucking planner I thought would finally change my life this year. Or why was it that if I felt there was too much on my plate and I didn’t feel like I could execute it beautifully, would it lead me to becoming so paralytic that all I could do was sob instead? Or why as an adult that doesn’t play contact sports am I constantly riddled with cuts, bruises, and scrapes? Or why when someone interrupts me when I am laser focused on something does it send me to rage but then why do I also have a tendency to interrupt others, not out of entitlement, but because I’m so excited about, and excited to share, my relatability, that I can derail a conversation and then be flushed with shame?
Okay? There’s a lot to unpack here. So if there is ever a time you’re like, “that person’s neurodivergent brain is their entire personality” it’s probably because most of us have been under the impression that we were fucked up or lazy or dumb for X amount of years.
Let me/us have it.
Anyways, days like today when I know that I not only have a lot of work on my plate but that my surroundings are about to significantly change, I do my best to really set myself up for minimal things that could potentially derail me. I do my best to make sure I have gotten enough sleep and before I drink any coffee I put a food in my mouth, something small, just a couple bites, and a bunch of water.
Then coffee.
I make lists, constantly, everywhere, all the time. I keep them in my Notes app and a hard copy in front of my face. I need to see the visual more often than not as I have the type of brain that if it is out of sight, it doesn’t exist.
Timelines are my friend. Timelines and time blocks and setting timers for how long I can spend doing one thing.
I take breaks to move my body- whether it’s walks with Boo (it’s been so nice and so needed here) or some combo of fast movement with breath-work. I put my phone far and away. I keep drinking water. I set reminders to eat.
I create a bunch of space to be soft with the transition. For myself, for Anaya, and for the kids.
It is easy to look in at our lives, especially the clips shown on social media, and think, must be nice. It doesn’t matter how earnestly I try to share reality. The solo trips, the champagne in bed, the weekends when we are still until 10 am (okay, when Anaya is still, because lets be honest, I’ve been up since 6:30). How nice it must be. How nice to have children but still be able to take child-free vacations together. How nice it is to share an uninterrupted meal with the person you love.
But what is the price tag? I’ll spare you most the parts that catch in the back of my throat. The times they are sick and not here for me to hold. Going to a restaurant we know they love and enjoying ourselves but feeling as though something, someone, is missing. When you learn of XYZ they were proud of or excited about days after the fact. When someone sends you a video of your baby’s first steps.
There are silver-linings to this life. The kind you use as a life raft because it’s the only thing that keeps you from falling apart. That spontaneous trip to the mountains we took? I would trade it in a heartbeat if it meant I didn’t, we didn’t, have to miss out on 50% of our kids’ lives, okay? Remember that anytime you think we, or any other family splitting time with their kids, is getting a steal of a deal. There is room for grey, there is duality, it can be a both/and. However, it’s hard as hell, no matter what kind of silver linings you’re able to find.
My body aches when they aren’t here and that doesn’t mean I don’t have to mentally and physically and emotionally prepare for the changing of all of our worlds week-to-week. So I will be here with my lists and softness. My understanding of all of our individual brains and us as a unit. I will snuggle my family hard. I will make tom kha.
Tom kha (Thai coconut soup) is easily in my top five favorite comfort foods. It is versatile in that almost any veggie can be added. You can make it pescatarian or veg friendly. You can even make it vegan if you swap the fish sauce for a vegan-friendly substitute. It is a favorite throughout the house, even our resident not-soup-lover (it’s Anaya, I know. It isn’t that he doesn’t like soup, he just doesn’t think that most qualify to be considered a full meal)
I digress.
I make mine with chicken thighs, carrots, mushrooms, baby bell pepper/sweet pepper rings, halved cherry tomatoes (go with it), and serve it over basmati (preferred) or other long-grain white rice. Leftovers are stellar (don’t add the rice to the soup directly, ever, do you know about that? I hate when it gets soggy. Simply add a scoop to a bowl prior to adding the soup AKA leave the two separate) and acquiring the ingredients is worth it. I take a monthly trip to the Asian market and buy kefir leaves, galangal and lemongrass in bulk and then freeze them. Lime zest and ginger work in a pinch but if you can access the others, I highly suggest making the effort. If all else fails, access is limited, or you’re in the middle of nowhere, I will personally send you some, okay?
I’ve talked about it,and wrote about it, before but I want to get into some more ideas of recipes and what’s ours and who’s and recipes as a “thing” that solely belongs to one person. The price of sharing recipes, the price of stealing recipes, the price of not crediting recipes etc
And that will be next week but for today, this is the recipe I use. It is my iteration after differing to Thai folx first and adapting to my own taste. It’s damn good, do it as written if you can, and let me know what you think.
Tom Kha Gai
1.5-2 lbs boneless, skinless chicken thighs
8 cups good quality/homemade chicken stock
2, 14 oz cans full-fat coconut milk
4 inch piece galangal root, sliced into rounds about a 1/4 inch thick (don’t bother peeling) *sub out ginger if you can’t get your hands on the galangal but try! Trust me!
6 shallots, quartered
5 whole stalks lemongrass, the white part smashed open with the back of a knife, cut down the green bits if you need them to fit better in your pot
1 cup fresh cilantro, stems included + more for serving
10 kefir or makrut lime leaves, bruised with your hand or the back of a knife
2 teaspoons coconut sugar (swap brown sugar)
1/4 cup fish sauce, more to taste before serving
Juice from 3 limes, plus 1-2 more limes quartered for serving
A handful or so of the following
Carrots, thinly sliced
Mushrooms, sliced or drain a can of straw mushrooms (my fave)
Sweet peppers/bell peppers (I like the rings of the sweet peppers but you could use a bell pepper that you thinly slice)
Cherry tomatoes, halved
3-5 birds eye chili
For serving-
Cilantro, lime wedges, hot sauce such as garlic-chile paste or Sriracha
Add stock, coconut milk, galangal/ginger, shallot, lemongrass, cilantro, and lime leaves to a big pot. Bring to a simmer, careful not to let it boil, and let it simmer for 20 minutes with a lid partially on. Add the chicken/protein, about 1/2 tsp salt, and let the temp come up again, and let simmer for an additional 20 minutes (reminder: the timing is for chicken thighs), still careful not to boil.
Once the chicken is cooked through (you’ll know when you can easily pierce with a fork and it wants to “pull.” If it isn’t pulling apart easily, let it go for an additional 5 minutes and then check again) remove the chicken from the pot, and then strain the aromatics from the broth into another big pot. Discard the aromatics, shred the chicken, and add back to the pot with the coconut broth. Stir in the coconut sugar, fish sauce, juice from 3 whole limes, and zest of two limes if you’re not using lime leaves.
Add whatever veg you’re using, bring the pot to a simmer, and let it go for about 5 minutes or until the veg is crisp-tender. Add in a couple birds eye if you’re using.
Remove from the heat and taste it. It should be sour and funky. If it’s missing depth or salt, add a little but more fish sauce first, then salt. If it’s still missing something, add more lime juice.
Serve with any of the aforementioned items (don’t forget those extra limes you quartered) and over hot, long-grain rice.
Important to note: for real, don’t let it boil.
DO NOT ever add an entire lime to anything re: I squeezed the juice out and now I want to add it to the pot to illicit as much flavor as possible. It makes things bitter in the absolute worst way, where as adding a whole, spent orange or lemon won’t do the same thing necessarily to carnitas
Biggest love,
AT
Currently Reading: still only listening to Small Fires *gasp*
Currently Listening To: the sweet sounds of Boo Mercy whining for a walk
Currently Cooking: tom kha for this evening
Recently Published: adult friendship break-ups and how they impact my family and the way I parent
Upcoming: don’t forget to register for the live buttermilk biscuit class on February 10th at 1 pm MST and use the specified Substack subscriber option for a discount
Late afab diagnosis here too. Making space for grief.