Pivoting

and the art of leaning in + the power of (damn good) chocolate cake.

The last several months have left me basking in love, community, and creativity while simultaneously stretching my arms and heart and brain for what is next to come, and where pivoting makes the most sense. 

For years I have pivoted. After the birth of Scarlett almost six years ago, it only took four months for me to come completely undone, and shift my life in a way that would allow me to care for her while generating an income. I have made and delivered fully prepared meals with an infant in tow, I have profited off extreme weight loss, becoming a certified nutrition coach, I’ve created content for Patreon, I have pitched and sold essays, I’ve worked at a local gym, pregnant with Maddox and taking Scarlett along with me, I’ve started a micro-bakery that I still run, and I currently own a makers market.

All in the name of autonomy, agency over what’s mine, and in the name of the kind of mother I want to be.

I am tired.

I am both tired and inspired.

I am tired of the lack of income and the long hours. I am tired of the pivots that seem shortsighted and feel like temporary fixes. I am tired of leaving myself consumable without monetary gain.

I believe I have and add value.

I don’t view any of the professional pivots + shifts I have made as failures, but necessary trigger-pulls in order to get me closer to what aligns with my values most. While I recognize my privilege, and still have the capacity to kick my shit in for not having it All Figured Out yet, most days I feel proud of leaping, with the unknown and all. 

What do I value?

My autonomy. My ability to give back to my community. Comfortability. Stability. My love. Family, both blood and chosen. Time. Writing. Feeding folx. The idea that I was not, we were not, placed here to hustle and burn.

Today I am basking in possibility and food, two things that are generally on the forefront of my mind and tongue.

I don’t know what’s to come next for me professionally entirely, but I know I am doing the things I have control over to make sure it’s going to add + align with what matters most to me.

As for the food, and best for last, an evening celebration later today. Part queer-community park gathering, where I am not the head organizer, and part celebration for Maddox turning two, because I capitalized on queer community, my favorite folks gathering outdoors, summer produce, my love, and surely the potential for new connections + friendships.

Summer to me is tomatoes which is why, in addition to Ruth Reichl’s Giant Chocolate Cake you can find here (that I halved, and turned into cupcakes), I made a simple bruschetta, highlighting some of my favorite bits of summer.

Local, heirloom tomatoes, good olive oil, fresh garlic, basil, quality parm and a little salt, is summer to me in it’s simplest form. Chilled before packing it up, alongside the cupcakes to be shared with my chosen family + friends, right in the heart of the city.

Little joys, am I right? 

I don’t have all the answers right now. But what I do know is that I am held and my babies are held in ways I didn’t know were possible. I am safe, I am pivoting, I am hopeful, and I am living my best summer life, love, sweat, tomatoes and all.