Classism in Elementary Schools

kids know the difference between popsicle and party bus

I grew up with a second mother, a step-mother, who couldn’t bear to look at me. I was the second and only seconded by my mother who obviously took first place but she didn’t. My father hated her by the time I had a second mother and frequently told me as much. When my step-mother looked at me I reminded her that she would never be first even if I never felt like I was save for the time my father told me I was his favorite girl- out of all his women and his daughters. It was me and it was a statement I would play over and over in my head for the next 30 years. Not because I treasured the idea but because I was horrified. It made my stomach knot way deep down into my pubic bone. My step-mother waged a war against a child that never asked for or felt 1st. I can taste resentment in the back of my throat first- the same place I experience crying before the tears actually swell. I know the dangers of resentment because it isn’t resentment at all- it’s jealousy.

Jealous of a child?

And then I had my own.

xxx

I kept my secrets, my mother’s secrets, my family’s secrets, my chaotic use of substances secret.¹ I kept my rapes secret, I kept my jobs secret. I kept my STIs and my fear and all my knowings I never should have known secret and anytime I offered a sliver of secret it was fine because I was tough! and big! and strong! and smart! and independent! and and and nobody really batted an eye. Families, my families, are like that no matter where the fault lines rest. How, I wonder, did these people, my family, not know what was happening a few states over? You will never see what you turn away from. When I realized the state I lived in or the parent I lived with didn’t matter and that nobody was going to come for me- I shut the fuck up and just kept on.

People like when you keep on and rarely understand what to do with you when you’re fetal on the asphalt of a WalMart parking lot because a smell or a song or a taste in the back of your throat. I wouldn’t learn to discern what was normal and what was secret until well into my adulthood and every time I let a secret fumble I convinced myself all I wanted was some kind, any kind of reaction. I realize now I simply didn’t want to hold it by myself forever and got really good at unintentionally trauma-dumping all over fellow teenagers and Barely Adults I AM SO SORRY. I didn’t understand the silence or the tears or the both that came from family or friends or teachers or therapists or bosses once I had sucked the air back into my lungs after my confessional had ended. I was so emotionally stunted I had dissociated as though it were my full time job and I was getting paid. I was deeply fucked up but I was a survivor! Resilient! I turned out great!

What I’m saying is that I have spent thousands of dollars I didn’t have, sometimes I had, or had for a minute, on therapy and therapies and EMDR and DSMs and workbooks and worksheets and. And I learned that if you don’t reign your shit in you can and perhaps will experience feeling jealous of a child. Your own child.

The cool thing about my commitment to not becoming or repeating the first 30+ years of my life combined with my C-PTSD, my ADHD, RSD, my my my is that I deeply want to understand and own my shit. I don’t need anyone to tell me why I’m fucked up anymore. I’m just trying to deliver us from (generational) evil, thanks.

xxx

My kids want for nothing. Have never wanted for anything. Sure, Little wants this toy or this slime and a trip on a plane and Moonie wants whatever cool du jour thing the kids have- they wear brand new sneakers and nice clothes and have clean backpacks and matching water bottles and lunch boxes and and and.

They’ll never know the life I had, thank goddess. I mean that. But at the slightest air of entitlement from one of these kids- I can taste it before I can feel. All those thousands continue to save us from the snarls that could easily turn to passive aggressive parenting, or parenting from a place of shame that-

I cannot stand

Is really hard for a lot of people unwilling to wrestle with their shit not to do.

But I don’t; at least not out loud. Instead I take all my healed parts and conjure a conversation about access suited for our third grader and continue on.

xxx

Our kid is one of the winners of the Top Prize for her (public charter) school’s largest fundraiser every year. Every year people I have never met in real life, people that have followed me for years and support and love our family well in and outside of donating to our kids’ fundraiser, extended extended family, colleagues of Anaya’s whom I’ve also never met, that Facebook friend I did a workshop with 6 years ago, show up for us and therefore our kid. It’s incredible the amount we can accomplish with $10 and $25 here and there.

These are the people that are donating to our kids school to be clear. Not me, not Anaya, not our household, but we are lucky enough to have the access and the means and the resources and the time and the computer and the more time and the community so that in less than 36 hours Scarlett met her $450 goal with having done absolutely nothing herself.

And that’s on privilege and access.

My family most certainly does not have $450 to give her school or Little’s school despite the knowing that schools, even the public charters, are wildly and disproportionately underfunded. Like, fuck yes we raised that money. She did not, let’s say what we mean and mean what we say.

So, I’m standing in the kitchen and I’m once again thinking about how this kid, this privileged kid of mine, will get every prize available including-

If you get $0 in donations you receive- a t-shirt and popsicles!

then there’s a bunch of shit in between such as-

$150- school socks and a drawstring bag

NOTE: for every tier you go up you receive that prize plus all the things listed underneath! Yay!

$200- electronic drawing pad plus the other shit

$250- silly string (this is a fucking disaster every year. TLDR pulling silly string from your kid’s head is not fun) the teachers! Super good for the environment! YAY!

$350- private pool party and ice cream bar plus all the other shit

$450- all of the shit plus you get to take a party bus somewhere in the middle of the school day (location TBD) and have a catered lunch while some kids back at school will eat their first, maybe second and only meals for the day and if you think that’s dramatic or a stretch this one’s for you.

To recap- if my kid raises $450, and “she” did, she will receive-

a school drawstring bag

school socks

an electronic drawing pad

a private pool party with an ice cream bar

catered lunch after being taken somewhere (one year it was Meow Wolf. Don’t get me started) in the middle of the school day on a party bus

NOT TO MENTION the “collective” prizes for overall-school goal, classroom goal, the popcorn and popsicles everyone will get once they reach $30,000 out of their $55,000 goal, the school-wide pizza party and pie-facing the principal once they reach their $55,000 goal.

But wait, there’s more!

For every dollar raised she will be entered into a raffle to win a trip to Great Wolf Lodge (help me) and season passes to our local amusement park.

But wait there’s even more!

The top 5 fundraisers aka the kids with the most access in school will get all this shit plus a school mascot stuffy (k?) and the #1 fundraiser in the school will receive a private Build a Bear party for them + four of their friends plus all. the. other. shit.

Hell yeah, brother.

I will never forget door-knocking as a kid to raise money for our school- selling frozen food and desserts or whatthefuckelseever. My aunt always contributed, I would maybe get a neighbor or one of my mom’s boyfriends. My mother certainly wasn't there, she didn’t have access to a computer and Facebook where she could show my face and say It’s that time of year again! like we could. Needless to say I never won Top Prize or really any prize except for the $5 to the book fair which was actually a very big deal to me lol. I watched on year after year- the kids with new shoes and truly-new clothes. The kids that brought Mickey Mouse ears back from summer vacations, the ones that ate at restaurants and not just the occasional buffet (Ponderosa, to be exact) so their mothers could stuff leftovers into sandwich bags she brought from home. I wasn’t a Prize Winner kind of kid. I never would be, and I felt that. I still feel that sometimes in those snakes of shame that lie coiled in my belly.

So we sent an email addressed to the PTO and the principal.

Here, you can just read it.

Good afternoon all-

I’m writing in the hopes of bringing awareness to the economic disparities within [redacted] and how they are perpetuated through some fundraising incentives. As a mother to a student of [redacted] that has won the “top prize” each year in addition to a person with lived experience as a under-resourced and poor person, I know firsthand the harm a prize and/or incentive model can cause. It is a privilege that our family has enough access to community, funds, and time in order to dedicate to fundraising for our children’s schools. I understand the intention of incentivizing raising money for one’s school, however, when it is framed in this individualistic way we are subconsciously affirming some kid’s biggest fears- that they will never have the access to be included like their better resourced classmates, despite their efforts or desire. I would like to suggest considering a more community-focused incentive, an overall school goal, with a school-wide prize delivered. We absolutely believe that this impact was never intended, and are always excited to support the school in the ways we are able. We just want to make sure that the outcomes for students aren’t impacted by the ability and access of their families and communities, but rather that all students get to benefit from collectively reaching goals.

Thank you for your consideration. We look forward to continuing the conversation. 

We called in and not out! Community care! Surely as the leader of the school you understand the impacts of class!

As we waited for a response I decided that I would be happy with any of the following responses-

• Thank you for giving me something to consider

• We fucked up and we will decenter individual prizes next year

• Honestly we just really need to fundraise this amount and incentivizing it this way brings in the most money

Like I will gladly shut the fuck up if you have the gumption to give it to me straight.

The principal’s response-

Hi Ava and Anaya,

Thanks for reaching out and expressing your concerns. I really do appreciate feedback and working together as partners at school. 

We really strive as a school to have a balance of both individual and collective incentives for fundraising for the [redacted]. There are some individual awards and we really have tried to let students know the money doesn't need to only come directly from their own family. We try to help students think of ideas to get money - like selling some of their artwork or talking with local businesses to sponsor our school. We also offer incentives for students just registering - this doesn't require any donations at all. 

The biggest incentive we have is a school (collective goal) of raising $55,000. This is the collective school goal that has been promoted at the assembly and on daily announcements. This collective goal also comes with a collective reward - seeing the Principal get a pie in the face at an assembly.  We also have whole-school incentives and class incentives. 

I met with the PTO as soon as I got this job and we were very intentional about the incentives we're offering students. 

The most important thing about [redacted] is providing a fun, school-wide activity for kids and families. Every student participates, every student gets a shirt, popsicles, etc. We really do want to focus on the entire school community.

I hope this explanation helps - in no way do we want any families or kids to feel uncomfortable or feel "less than" anyone else. I really hope your family will be able to join us at the [redacted], enjoy the fun and celebrate our amazing kids.

Thanks for reaching out and for your partnership

When I tell you I slow blinked- am actively slow blinking

blink

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Did… did you read what the fuck I wrote lol?

R U OK?

One thing about me is the older I get, the wiser and hotter I get and I know myself well enough to know that I have to say and do things in real time but also contained. Like, I need to feel all my feelings- really just do the external processing of it all but now I’m finessed enough (there’s those thousands again!) to take a lap, take another, have a meal on it, have a sleep on it, and only then will I trust myself enough to not show up with a rock in my fist.

But I’ll clue you in on what the out-loud processing looked like-

did she even read it?

is she for real? Does she think we need a breakdown of the prize tiers as though I’m not actively staring at it right now?

does she think we’re dumb?

did she just regurgitate the list of prizes, how the prizes work, tell me that “we really have tried to let students know the money doesn't need to only come directly from their own family” as if-

A. that matters

B. ummmm did you think our family gave y’all $450 because we sure the fuck did not and you know where you can see that? Under each class and each student where the amount they have raised and the person/amount that was donated for each one. The kids whose pictures are visible? Those are the kids whose parents registered them because that’s a thing you have to do- a thing that took me about 10 minutes on my laptop at my kitchen table because if you don’t own a computer or a kitchen table you are aware that simply “registering your kid” for a thing doesn’t simply happen so easily like the picture has been painted. If you think that these kids aren’t logging in to check their statuses and MORE IMPORTANTLY, THE STATUSES OF OTHERS, then you’re on a different planet, my dude, and one where you should not be leading an entire K-5 school, k?

Fuck a prize- a kid can have it all spelled out for them in seconds with a snap-open of their own assigned-from-school Chromebook because they’ve got it like that and can see who’s got it and who does not.

So why must we drill it into these kids- both the poor and under-resourced kids and their families and the kids that will never know the realities of that life with families that have access, that being classified in these groups is super normal and NBD! Because popsicles and t-shirts!

If you think for a second that the kids that have to stay back and watch as a handful of their classmates get paraded around like royalty year after year both in and outside of school hours for all their “hard work” don’t feel left out, or worse, less than, then you aren’t thinking.

Hello? Do you not have enough respect for these kids to understand that at the ripe age of 6 they already feel and experience the impact of class? Do you think it doesn’t sting to hear about the parties and the parties and wait there’s more parties and the shit that most of these kids don’t need, my kid doesn’t need?

Do you think that these kids cannot taste their own resentment, their own shame, in the backs of their own throats? These are the kids that have a pulse on their lives, their parent’s lives, their reality as a whole in a way that children with access will never understand. These kids know when the lights are going to get cut off again, how to stretch a meal, how to time public transportation as best as a child can. They already feel the weight of the world despite whatever rainbows and sunshine fuckery concoction you or we or they or the world has tried to peddle. Boot-strap! There’s popsicles at the end! Unity! Let’s all hold hands and sing a song about community (this is an actual thing) despite the fact that we’re going to EW, NO, NOT THAT! DON’T LOOK! our way out off the realities of classism.

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If you don’t get it to the point that not only do you not get it but you’re flat out refusing to consider getting it what type of leadership do you actually possess that would make you fit to lead an entire school of students and staff?

Look, I might have a hot temper and a smart-ass mouth but that’s the point. My mouth is smart and not solely because of textbooks but because I was born into that. I get it because it’s mine so don’t fucking placate me with popsicles and t-shirts as though you think I, or even a 6, 7, 8, 9+ year old doesn’t know the mf difference.

These kids know the difference between a popsicle and a party bus.

My husband is hot and brilliant and wrote the next response after listening to me word-salad at a decibel not suited for the four-year-old in our bed at 10 pm.

It reads-

Thank you so much for your prompt response, [redacted]. We absolutely appreciate all of the work and intention that goes into planning a fundraiser like this. We’re concerned, however, that you may have missed what we were trying to say. We know and appreciate that there are school wide incentives, and I think we can all agree that popcorn, popsicles, and pizza are not the same as an electronic drawing pad, private pool party, party bus, and the ability to leave class during the day for fun events, especially to kids. The unfortunate reality of this for students is learning that access and privilege are factors in how much and what they deserve, and for students like Scarlett, these events become less fun when not all of her friends get to be there with her. These are all things that we, and many other [redacted] families, are able to provide for her outside of school, and don’t believe that her public school education should be highlighting and reinforcing these disparities in this way. We don’t believe this is a value the [redacted] holds or the intent of the [redacted], but an unfortunate and unintended impact.

 We also understand that the donations don’t need to come only from the student’s family. Scarlett has already exceeded the $450 goal because of donations from our extended family, friends, and community who have similar access and privilege as we do. The reality is that regardless of whether or not the parents’ have the ability to donate, and have community who can, getting those donations takes time, energy, and resources that many parents in low-income households don’t have. There is little, if any, time to set up the donation page and share it widely while working multiple jobs and getting kids to and from school, feeding them, managing a household, etc. Traveling around town to get sponsorships from businesses also requires a large amount of time, as well as gas money or bus fare, which for some families could mean choosing between making sure their kids get to have the same experience of other students and getting themselves to work and their kids to school. Just yesterday, Scarlett was feeling sad for one of her classmates who is late regularly because their parents don’t have a car and they have to rely on public transportation to hopefully get them where they need to go on time. For parents who struggle while doing their best to get their kid to and from school, this is a huge, if not impossible ask, for the parents to be able to ensure their kid gets to have the same experience and integration at school events that Scarlett does. There is a lot of nuance here outside of just having other ways to raise funds for your kid to win prizes that are easily accessible for other kids whose families have time, access, and means.

 We hope this better clarifies our concerns, and further hope that in the future, as much as Scarlett has loved winning the prizes this year and in the past, that a shift could be made to ensure that no student, regardless of circumstance, ever has to question why they are not seemingly as deserving as their classmates when it comes to prizes for fundraising.

I’m wildly grateful to be married to a person that does not share my specific trauma and experience in this particular way but can still listen to my shamambling-abouts for an hour and say, I’ve got this after I have requested for him to take the reigns because look at me, knowing my limits.

Here’s hoping to a better response this next round, hey?

Anyway-

there’s an open PTO position.

Stay tuned xx

1. Chaotic use is a more trauma-informed way of saying “addictions” which is highly stigmatized as we know. The language we use matters and this is a small shift that goes a long way xx