September Recap
and really (no, really) exciting news at the end
September was getting our hopes up and simultaneously crushed, seducing cooler weather to stay in bed with me just a little longer, and feeling a type of rootedness I have longed for since I was a child. It was a lot of alone time since Anaya has been going back and forth between here and Michigan to see his brother who was in an LTAC (longterm acute care facility) and now back in the NCCU (neuro critical care unit), and revisiting my affinity for ultra-simple meals by way of rice and kimchi or my personal favorite- bagged salad and cheddar Nut Thins. It was meditative, sad, worrisome, wholesome, exhausting, and productive.
A couple months ago I decided I was going to tend to and nurture my ADHD. I promised that I would make accommodations, to learn more about What is ADHD vs What is Trauma, and give softness for the intersections. I did and am doing those things by-
Owning My Shit-
Just because I am a deeply traumatized person with a pocketful of diagnoses doesn’t mean that I don’t have to own where and how I cause harm regardless of intention. I don’t want to be placated by my own misdoings; I don’t want or need a hall-pass because X happened to me so now I will always do Y. I became very introspective, more so than I am by nature, and it was painful and exhausting. The moral of that story? Stop asking things of the world that you aren’t willing to give.
Quieting The Noise-
I deleted all social media apps from my phone for 30 days and that was back in mid-July. I still don’t have them as easily accessible as they once were, especially in the palm of my hand, and I now use social media differently as a whole. This lessened my anxiety and helped me reduce my automatic reflex of dissociation. It’s not that I never numb-out anymore it’s just that I do it willfully and it isn’t the first thing I reach for after 30+ years.
Bare Minimums-
I have to eat, I have to sleep, I have to hydrate and I have to be in fresh air. All of these things are proven to be challenging to some but especially those with ADHD, especially me and especially depending on where I am at in my Owning. Having a cataclysmic meltdown makes a lot of sense when you clocked four hours of bullshit and/or interrupted sleep, have consumed half a can of flat bubble water that was languishing on your nightstand, and haven’t eaten anything since yesterday at 5 pm. To some, Bare Minimum suggestions such as these are no-brainers but to me and a lot of neurodivergent people we need Back to Basics otherwise it can look like dry-heaving and crying in the car on your way to pick a kid up from school because you didn’t accomplish everything on your to-do list. Nevermind the fact that I haven’t fed, rested, or watered my meat sack. No, surely my shambles are due to the fact that I wasn’t able to check off “read” from my to-do list.
…
I set alarms in my phone to remind me to come out of my hyper-focus tunnel and shove a cheese stick down my gullet or locate the nearest water source. I go for a walk around the block, with and without the kids, immediately upon waking up. I have implemented this as a thing we do without becoming controlling or having it be the only way. If the kids are super resistant (rarely) or if I absolutely do not want to (also rarely) then I am flexible enough to shift gears. I don’t scroll at night. I actually have a boundary with myself to go to sleep 8 hours before my alarm will go off. Sometimes I miss some, sometimes I miss all of them, but having a place to pull myself back into via Did You Do The Bare Minimums Today is really helpful when tracking my lulls- energetically, physically, creatively, emotionally, spiritually, sexually etc
Keep Tabs-
Back in July I started tracking all of the aforementioned in addition to-
Did I take my meds?
How much and what kind of THC did I consume? What time?1
Did I consume alcohol?
How much sleep did I get and what was the quality like?
My menstrual cycle.
The moon cycle.
Whether or not the kids were home.
All of it. I’m not so rigid in my tracking now- mostly the Bare Minimums, my cycle, and the moon but it was extremely helpful to do for a couple months to get a handle on my natural rhythms so that I can better understand myself. So that I can give myself what I need.
I have reached a place in my motherhood where my roots outweigh my longing. Where I am proud of the mother I am now instead of wishing for XYZ to be different so that I can be different. I did need things to be different, to be clear. It is no secret that under-resourced and emotionally devastated parents are <fill in the blank>. I did need security, consistency, and safety. I have those things now and it isn’t perfect but it is. I am not on autopilot anymore and I’m teaching my body and even the kids’ bodies to lean in. It is heartbreaking and it is hopeful.
I dug my heels into my marriage when disaster struck by way of Anaya’s brother’s accident. This type of emotional, financial, and logistical strain is enough to topple marriages on its own never mind all of the normal and customary strains of the human experience. But I refused and I still do. I told Anaya that I wasn’t going anywhere and more than just Hanging On we were going to double-down on us in an effort to lessen the laundry list of strains here//now and to come. There is a lot of shit I will forgo and skip over and Anaya and us and our family isn’t one of them. Instead of waking up 6 months or 6 years from now thinking- how the fuck did we get here, I refused it all together. I told him I would do this and anything with him but that I would not back-burner our marriage. If we’re solid the rest is more manageable and it has been. I fucking love us.
I pushed back on classist “norms” that had manifested in our older kid’s school fundraiser incentives. You can read about that here and know that it concluded with a phone call (the principal’s request) where she thanked me for my feedback and said that they would “take it into consideration for the next year.”
When I say get hyper-local with your activism- sure, reposting and reading about whatever social-justice du jour is helpful, it’s better than nothing, this is what I mean. What’s going on directly around you? The schools your kids attend? The city council decisions? Your neighborhood mutual-aid efforts? I’m begging you to quit Stanning a candidate in a two-party system that gives zero fucks about you and get to know your council person, your neighbors, your community instead/more. What kind of prizes and who receives them may seem trivial to some but it’s the opposite. I recognize these things that have been normalized as being harmful and now I am in a position where I am resourced enough to say a thing about it. To push back. This is a small but measurable way to use privilege. Imagine what we could actually accomplish if enough of the better-resourced parents said a damn thing. Will this particular school actually reduce the amount of fixation placed of hyper-individualized prizes for students? I don’t know. Regardless, I started a conversation and offered perspective that most of these people, these white women specifically, had never considered. I planted a seed. I started the conversation.
Shit I Love Right Now-
How To Survive The End of the World
Lyrical writing across all genres
Letting my grey grow out with zero intervention, not even blending it in like I originally intended
Autumn as an aesthetic
90’s alternative
Genealogy (there’s a Scottish witch in my lineage, shocking to nobody)
My ritual practice as part of an actual, consistent practice rather than an anecdote
Cauliflower (I recently came across a cauliflower parm situation that inspired me to create my own)
Tea, hot to be specific.
Being curious and critical of my alcohol consumption, something that I have never actually tolerated all that well and I don’t mean Keeping UP because that I can do. What I mean is the emotional and spiritual toll it takes on my body. I still partake but there is more intention behind it and I appreciate that.
What’s New?
I have been working on something for a couple months now after having searched high and low for a guided journal for our eight year old that wasn’t trash. That wasn’t gendered, wasn’t ableist, considered neurodivergent kids, what families can look like outside of heteronormative standards, wasn’t teeming with diet-culture, that wasn’t stuffed to the gills with the words of dead, problematic white men. It is a resource to be used by kids and parents alike to encourage and teach embodiment, inclusivity, and highlight the words from poets, writers, activists, kids, artists, etc that I admire. Toni Morrison said If there’s a book you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it so that’s what I did. It still feels very tender; a love letter to our kids and community and because of this I don’t want to give too much away prematurely. Just know that it’s coming and I have never been more proud to create something in my life. I have long yearned for the feelings of Meant To Be that were authentic and this is that. If you want to stay in the know on release and//or details you can receive them here on food//and or send me your email address for more direct updates.
Evocative: a CNF workshop is growing and has become one of my favorite parts of the week (Thursdays at 11 am MST to be exact.) It’s an hour of virtual community where we look at a couple pieces I have chosen, discuss, get into writing time with provided prompts by yours truly, and the option to share without feedback. It is organically queer, soft, and inspirational as a facilitator and a writer. It is set up to be able to drop in//out as you wish, no syllabus, come and go as you please, invite your friends, and it’s free. Please message me if you would like to receive Evocative emails and the Zoom link to join. All writers of all backgrounds are always welcome.
Please clap for the fact that September was also the first month of a structured what-to-expect from food//and and with the exception of not including a recipe last week I honored that and myself and I might be healing but I still have a praise kink.
Biggest love,
AR
using THC in microdose amounts has been really helpful for me personally especially in regards to quieting the noise and aiding in my focus
Another great piece. Thanks
I love where you are 😘😘. Beautiful 🤩